other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
