my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
