I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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