Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
