He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Randomize
