yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
