Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
