I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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