M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
