did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
