I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
