Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize