Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
