So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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