If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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