Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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