If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
