You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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