I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
