i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
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Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
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This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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