Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
