I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
