just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
