dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
