Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
