I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
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