Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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