sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
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So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
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The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize