I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize