and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
