I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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