There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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