Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
