im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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