He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
