He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
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