turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
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Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
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You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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