if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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