we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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