he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
