So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
