everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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