The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
