if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Naked. naked and bneed help.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
