why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
