I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
