I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
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found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
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She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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