Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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