I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
