My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I am never drinking with the goths again.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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