I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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