I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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