I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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